Part Two

In the midst of depression I began learning the skills of Life Coaching. It’s as if a crazy optimism took hold of me, despite the crushing depression and anxiety I was going through. What I believe is that God threw me a lifeline, and I grabbed hold of it with all my might.

In 1990 I had walked away from God and done my own thing for eight years. He began wooing me back, but that’s a story for another time. In 2008 I was a strong believer with a daily habit of Bible and prayer time. By that time I knew that the suicidal thoughts (and the hallucinations of 1990) were signs of demonic oppression. That knowledge didn’t help much, but it was there.

One thing that I remembered from 1990 was suddenly becoming aware of the negative self-talk that I was practicing. As soon as I heard myself say bad things to myself, I stopped, reframed, and said something affirming to myself. It worked in 1990, but by 2008 I had forgotten about it. Then something reminded me of the affirmations. Knowing that I had nothing to lose, I began an affirmations journal. I wrote, recited, and repeated affirmations obsessively all day long. Whenever the pain was most unbearable, I redoubled my efforts and affirmations.

By the beginning of 2009 depression finally lifted. But more than that, I had bought a house that was all my own, and I was beginning to really live a life of my own. During this time, my nephew asked me to drive him to church. I didn’t really feel like going to church and socializing with people, but I knew that it was where I needed to be. So I did. Being a teenager, he went off with his friends as soon as we arrived, so I would go to the front of the church and bow my head as if in prayer. The truth is that I couldn’t pray that way because my mind kept harping on the divorce like a dog with a bone. But looking like I was praying kept people from talking to me. And being down front was the perfect place to hear from God with no distractions. When the worship started I threw my hands in the air and worshipped with all my heart. Was it a hand-raising church? I had no idea! Everyone was behind me. I didn’t care. This was between me and God.

One day after church, as I closed the door to my house, I felt God asking me: “Are you ready to give Me everything?” The divorce hadn’t left me rich, but money was not a big concern for me—in fact, money was the only thing I really wasn’t worried about. I felt like He was posing the same question to me that He had to the rich young ruler in Matthew 19:16-22:

If you want to be perfect, go and sell all your possessions and give the money to the poor, and you will have treasure in Heaven. Then come, follow Me[1].

I had bought this sweet little house just months before. I was just beginning to settle into a comfortable life. Sell all your possessions. It seemed harsh. But then I had to acknowledge that without God, I truly had nothing. So I said yes and held my breath, waiting for the command to give everything to the poor. But He didn’t say anything like that. Months later I was riding my bike, praising God in Italian. I stopped and said, “Lord, I bet I’m the only person in Texas praising you in Italian.” I didn’t expect an answer, but He spoke audibly: “Come back to Italy!” It was exactly what I wanted to do, so I went straight home and booked a flight to Italy.

While I was in Italy, God revealed my ministry to me: encouraging missionaries. It was something I love doing—I hadn’t even known that it was ministry. Just two months after my trip to Italy, I had moved there.

None of this would have come about without those affirmations—at least not as quickly as it happened. There is far more to Life Coaching than affirmations, but that is a terrific place to start.

What about you? Have you ever listened to your self-talk? You might be a compassionate person to others, but what about to yourself? Why not start today to build yourself up instead of tearing yourself down?

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[1] Matthew 19:21.